i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
