remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
