if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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