you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
