You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
