There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
