Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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