dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
