Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
