remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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