i just sent this text using only my big toe
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
