She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
