I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
