Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
