nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
