Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
