well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
