where am i from again
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
