I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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