dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I won the penis lottery.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
