The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
