That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
