yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
