that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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