You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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