I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
