i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
