this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
