i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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