i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
