i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
