he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
