I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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