How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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