Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
