I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
