Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
