You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
