onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
