I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
