So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
