note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
my poor anus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
