are you so shy because you have an std?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
