dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
