just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
