i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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