i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
