The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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