If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dicks are not precious.
false alarm, still single
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
