It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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