And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
