His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
