I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
